1. when a guy is about to go down on you and you pull out your tampon and fling it across the room in a moment of passion; the next day, make sure you check for residual blood splatterings on the wall and curtains. This will prevent you from scaring off the next guy who rolls through your bedroom… or what i like to refer to as ‘where the sloppy magic happens.’
2. one of the worst feelings is when you’re on a date with someone and both of you have been ignoring your phones (in a modern attempt at romance) – until you come back from the ladies room and find your date covertly checking his phone: texting, emailing, tweeting, what have you - and then fumble to put it away as quickly as possible when he notices you coming back.
3. i think it’s just as exciting to hear guttural weeping as it is to hear really loud sex. luckily for my neighbors, they get to experience both. indulge YOUR neighbors.
4. if the way you eat by yourself is drastically different from the style of eating you have when you’re in front of people, you really need to rethink the manner in which you’re running your life… because this means you’re disgusting.
5. i know you like sitting in your car and talking on the phone, texting, being cozy, getting your emails done, etc. but try to pull over to a spot that’s not on a main road – where a car is more likely to crash into you and kill you. why not pull over onto a mellow side street? your mom would prefer this too.
6. never ever go on a motorcycle ride date. no date is worth risking your life over!
7. braids and backpacks make you appear youthful… but so does not being old.
8. a long time ago my (now) ex boyfriend bought me a Chanel bag as a present. i never wore it because it was so fancy. i didn’t wanna mess it up. so i kept it in my closet in its box. i wanted to save it for something special. and then i realized: isn’t every day special? what if i die and never get a chance to wear it? what am i waiting for? so now i wear my special Chanel bag every day.
9. only text things worthy of screen grabbing and then posting on instgram.
10. yes, summer’s right around the corner, but don’t even THINK about going to the beach when you have your period! that’s when the sharks will eat you!
